I can't make up stuff like this

I need some help. If anyone out there knows of an attorney who would handle a case like the one I'm about to describe, please let me know.

I (may or may not have) received a call this afternoon from a woman who thought she was in need of an attorney. There was some matter about being harmed by a government agency. I asked her to tell me how she was injured and by whom. What I heard on the other end of the phone was so fascinating I couldn't stop listening.

About a year after 9/11 this damsel in distress found herself under surveillance by domestic spies at the behest of the Department of Homeland Security (has there even been a more Nazi-inspired agency name than that?). At some point she told me the department tried to drive her to suicide by drugging a jug of milk. She said she started having suicidal thoughts after drinking the milk. So she bought another jug (with a later expiration date) and because suspicious when the first jug of milk never went bad on her.

Later on, she continued, the department planted a device in a hamburger she ate that implanted itself in her stomach, allowing spies to listen in on everything she said and heard. Then, in the last year, she went out on a date with a man who turned out to be a spy. They went to the movies and he put his hand down "hard" on her lap. When she got home that night she saw a needle mark on her leg where his hand had been.

When she asked me if I knew of any government agencies that would be able to investigate this situtation I had to tell her (with not one hint of sarcasm) that since the Department of Homeland Security was a goverment agency that it was unlikely any other government agency would actually investigate their activities. She said that made sense to her.

Unfortunately I had to tell her that I don't practice in the federal courts and that she should look for an attorney who did. Luckily for some of y'all out there (and you know who you are) I didn't give out names or phone numbers when she asked who might be able to help.

Maybe I need to remove some of those key words I have in meta-titles of my web page such as psychotic, delusional, nut job...